I Can Bring It, But I Prefer Returning Home With It in Tact: Internet Dating and the Gapification of Romance

Nice cat.

I have found myself telling a friend I want to get back on the dating scene. But when I say I am not actively on a dating site, they look at me as if I just told them I'm growing my hair out to weave into a rope for my prince to climb from Amsterdam Avenue.

This time last year I was an internet dating sensation, thanks to a little help from a friend who acted as the creative director of my Match profile. Before the rebranding, my profile was the Sahara: hardly a wink on a sweet, straight forward photo and an honest litany of all my pursuits (acting, music, yoga, comedy....), how I have a big heart and want to save the world, blah blah blah.

After the rebranding, my profile was like a luscious rainforest: 1200 views a week of a leggy shot with a drink in my hand, an "about me"  that was a cocktail of mystery, mischief, and just enough demanding little bitchlet that gets guys crawling. No one even seemed to sneeze at the cat in the picture. "Is that your cat? God, I hope so. I'm allergic, but have zyrtec. Will stay the whole night."



I set up date after date. I had a crisis that Sahara girl would show up and sabotage Amazon girl. I kept my shoulders back, chin up, spoke directly, tried to not smile too much or act too interested and kept all my creative pursuits in the closet, or one-offed them like no biggies, just something to do when I'm bored with traveling the world.

This girl was too excited to meet you.

As I met these guys, they had their own creative directors. And the slate seemed to be cleared anyway, upon meeting.

All those first dates started to blend together. After my second date with one guy, he started to freak out and text me constantly, getting increasingly angry when I didn't respond on his timetable. With each text I grew increasingly paralyzed and unable to respond. When I finally did, he didn't answer but called a few hours later from where he was on vacation and left a message that he didn't want to be bothered because he was on vacation and yeah, it was totally cool if I wasn't interested.

I'm long gone. Your heart and Match.com will go on. 

I finally met a guy I thought I hit it off with, but I wanted to take it slow. On our third date in 3 nights, he threw a tantrum that I didn't want to stay the night at his place. He calmed down and I did eventually stay one night in week 2, but was shy about investing in a toothbrush for his place. After he took me to the Hamptons though, I found myself in the dental hygiene aisle of Duane Reade. My last morning at his place after he had left for work, I assessed his kitchen inventory for the meal I planned to prepare that never happened. That sank like a frozen Leo into the icy waters when Kate finally let go in Titanic.

I took a break, not even logging in until my subscription was nearly up. I then decided to take the opposite approach and be super selective. This approach led to setting up a date with one guy who left me standing in a bar with one sip left of my drink. Hmmm...too much Amazon or too much Sahara?

The whole time I was doing this I rarely felt authentic. And not just because of the branding exercise to get guys to my profile. At first I saw myself as playing the game and feeling part of the game. But then that game just didn't feel like it was for me, much like how I feel when I'm running, and how others feel about me when I'm skiing. I guess what I find curious is that today it's like not being on Facebook or seeing someone still with a flip phone or when everyone was shopping at the Gap.

Could it be that Internet Dating is not for everyone? I'll ponder that while I continue my braid.