Treading the Favor Waters

Thanks for seeing that I've got some big ideas!

Sometimes I offer help. Sometimes I need help.

"Wouldn't you like to take a break from editing the boring stuff you get paid to edit and edit my [resume] [child's pre-school application] [screenplay] [book] [website]?"

I am a great editor. And I once could ride the flattery wave to making someone's personal project shiny and pretty.

When a good friend asks me for help or if I offer it, I'm often glad for the opportunity. Buying random trinkets, books or cds is not my forte. I feel more generous with my energy this way or treating to dinner or drinks.

Who wants to feel like someone doesn't appreciate that you spent your free time helping them out? And worse, assume it was fun for you and you would've rather been doing that than anything?

Would you be up for a little
competition in generosity?

Sadly, I have found myself on both sides.



When I started out as a singer/songwriter, I had a full band that miraculously loved the gig, and unless they had a paying gig, were available to play. I did hand over my check for a week's worth of legal proofreading to a drummer who sat in one of those unfortunate moments my drummer was away and lived off a box of Valentine Candy from my sister for the remaining week.

Eventually my band urged me to get better on guitar for the freedom of not having to be tied down to their schedules. I didn't mind getting better on guitar, but the stronger message I walked away with was "Do it yourself." The strongest but wrongest message I got was "You don't deserve the help."

This started a bad habit: If I want something done, I better do it myself, unless I am prepared to hire them or date them.

In this spirit, I have attempted to become a guitarist, recording engineer, art director....

It only recently hit me that I have no interest in guitar other than supporting my own songs, after I suffered through an audition playing guitar when every cell in me said, "You really don't want this." I finally heard that voice and and realized, I simply cannot do everything nor do it alone.

Sometimes you must believe the person is out there who can help and wants to help and it will be all flow-ey, clear and everyone will be happy riding the waves of creativity.

On the other hand, I have been the one who thought, "The reward will be in the work! Most certainly it shall!"

I  found myself gobsmacked when at the end of a project I thought was a collaboration, I was asked for money for the person's time. I had set out with the intention that it would be a collaboration, but due to our schedules and busy lives, it did turn out to be a favor to me in hindsight.  I realized I had not been clear. Nor had he up until the end, and if we had better communicated, everyone would have been happier in the exchange.

It is best to be clear from the start. Be clear with deadlines, be clear about expectations. Be clear about what you can give and what you can't. Even set up a midpoint check in to see how the project is progressing and if you are satisfied and if the other party is satisfied.

The best example of this type of clarity was when I was asked to edit an acquaintance's resume. "What can I give you for doing it?" He asked. I knew from looking over his resume that he was a beer connoisseur.  I proposed one bottle of his favorite type beer that I may not know about...and also a brownie...just because. Now, we always have something to chat about and I have better taste in beer.

Don't let favors feel like favors. Clarity makes those waters less treacherous and fluid for all.